


My Heart Holds Still

by chetta



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, I swear, M/M, im not a cruel person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 16:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10700952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chetta/pseuds/chetta
Summary: Poe pushes through the throngs of people, jittery with nerves. “I don’t see him, BB,” the pilot calls drown to his droid. “Do you think his transport got delayed somehow?” He tries to keep the naked fear out of his voice- that won’t help either of them right now.The D'Qar base is lost, along with so much else.





	My Heart Holds Still

Poe pushes through the throngs of people, jittery with nerves. “I don’t see him, BB,” the pilot calls drown to his droid. “Do you think his transport got delayed somehow?” He tries to keep the naked fear out of his voice- that won’t help either of them right now. 

The faces around him are all unfamiliar, he searches through the crowd for someone that he recognizes; anyone who can tell him what the kriff is going on. He hasn’t seen Finn for hours, since he slipped out of bed to report for a nightshift in the surveillance room. 

“Sorry, Poe,” he’d whispered, placing a kiss on the pilot’s forehead. “It’s a shorter one tonight- I’ll be back before you know it.” 

Poe’s sure going to hold him to that promise now. “He’ll be here,” he assures BB-8. He stands on the tips of his toes, trying to use the added height for a better vantage point. It’s no use, he can’t see much else but the people around him. 

Someone accidentally elbows him in the back and Poe stumbles forwards, having to catch himself on another person ahead of him. 

“Force, I’m so sorry-”

The individual turns towards him, glaring ferociously. She recognizes him a second before he does her. “Poe! Oh, thank kriff you’re okay.”

Poe throws his arms around her, pulling her into an embrace.The shaking in his hands diminishes just slightly. “Force, Jess,” he says gravely. 

“I know,” she breathes back, holding on just as tightly. “I didn’t know if you made it to your x-wing or not- the General commandeered me to drive one of the transport ships and get off planet. I wanted to stay with the squad but-”

“Shush, it’s okay.” Poe draws back to look at her. She’s a mess- dressed in a pilot uniform that’s too big, her hair and face caked with dirt and sweat. “You did your job- you got people away from the attack, kept them safe.”

There’s a flurry of noise as BB-8 crashes into Jess’ legs; Poe has to grab onto her sleeve to stop the little droid from bowling over her in his joy. 

She gives him a wry grin. “Hey, there BB. How’s my favourite droid doing?”

He warbles a witty response, making Jess laugh. “Come on,” she says, shouting slightly to be heard over the din of the shuttle bay. “Let’s go find somewhere quieter to talk.”

Poe sobers, the same desperation settling in again. “I can’t, Jess. I need to find Finn- his transport hasn’t come in yet.”

Suddenly, Jess looks stricken. “You haven’t see him?” 

Poe shakes his head. “Not since this morning when he reported for duty.” He barely gets the words out through the panic clogging his throat.

Poe Dameron is an ace pilot, he’s a risk taker who laughs in the face of danger. Poe Dameron can count on two hands the amount of times he’s been truly terrified of something.

The desolate look on Jess’s face makes Poe more afraid than he ever remembers being. 

Jess knows something that will destroy him, Poe can see it in her eyes. “What’s happened, Jess? What aren’t you telling me?” The words are small, so quiet they’re almost drowned out in the crowd of the hundreds that escaped the D’Qar base. All around them is noise and chaos but Poe feels strangely detached from it all. His focus is trained on Jessika, his mind whirling with worst-case scenarios. 

Her mouth opens. No sounds comes out. She doesn’t know how to say it, Poe realizes, without hurting him. 

A shrill whistle sounds from the center of the shuttle bay. On one of the supports of a damaged x-wing stands General Organa, two fingers pressed to her lips. 

“Listen up,” she says, even though everyone’s gone quiet. Hundreds of people, hushed in a second by a stout, aging woman wearing her nightclothes under plain fatigues. 

Poe looks around him. The crowd seems to be holding it’s breath. They’re all looking for reassurance, for some sliver of hope to keep fighting for. 

“We’ve suffered massively tonight, there’s no doubt about it.” Her voice, though labored, is strong. It carries from one end of the room to the other without her needing to raise it. “And though we are in mourning we must look to the future of the Resistance.

“I’m reminded of the Great War, of the Empire’s attack on Hoth. The Rebellion was as fractured then as we are now. Many in the galaxy believed that the loss would prove fatal, that the Empire had already won. As we all know, it wasn’t so.”

There’s a stirring of noise from the gathered troops. 

Leia waits for absolute silence before she continues. “We know the importance of our fight. The Republic has done little to stop the First Order from ravaging the galaxy- we are the only thing standing between them and complete devastation.” Her speech, which had been growing in volume, swells to a roar. “We will not be intimidated by the First Order! Not as long as there is something to fight for!”

“Long live the Resistance!” someone yells. There’s a rallying cry; hundreds of people all will the same will to resist. They’re all hurting, but then again they’ve been hurting all their lives. 

“We will persevere,” she continues as the noise settles once more. “We will honor the dead and we will continue building another base here on Cholgana. The med center is operational- anyone who needs medical attention will be serviced there. Tomorrow, everyone must report to their commanding officer- we need to take inventory of what personnel we still have.” General Organa moves to step down from her elevated position. 

“General, what about the other transports?” a frenzied voice calls from the crowd. A flurry of agreement, and then silence as everyone strains to hear her response.

The words, when they come, are mournful. “There are no other transports.”

The silence is replaced by an eruption of noise, voices crying out in grief and disbelief. People realizing that those that they’re waiting for won’t be arriving on Cholgana. 

Someone collides with Poe, shoving him to one side. He doesn’t feel the impact. He doesn’t hear Jess’s voice in his ear, muttering consolations as she guides him out of the crowd. 

The only thing that registers for Poe Dameron is the realization that if Finn isn’t here and there are no more shuttles coming then Finn will not ‘be back’ ever again.

Buried under the rubble of the destroyed base. Charred by stormtrooper fire. Run through with Ren’s lightsaber. He will never know how it happened, but he does know that Finn is dead. 

Jess pulls him towards the wall of the shuttle bay; she pushes him towards the floor. 

He goes easily, his knees are so weak he can’t stand anymore regardless. 

“I’m so sorry, Poe,” she cries, placing one of her hands on his face. “Force, I’m so sorry.” She doesn’t say anything else- there isn’t anything more to say. 

Poe is numb. Every breath feels like an effort, each heartbeat a struggle. 

Poe has lost people before, but none of those losses have ever affected him like Finn’s does. The pain was never as acute as what he’s feeling now, the hopelessness nowhere near as all-encompassing. 

The possibility was always in the back of his mind- that one day Finn wouldn’t come home from a mission and Poe would be alone again. He never allowed himself to dwell on it in the past. It was much easier to just live in the moment rather than fear for the future.

He’s lost in thought, trying to rationalize something unimaginable. His back is to the wall, his knees drawn up to his chest. 

BB-8 rolls up, bumps Poe’s side affectionately.

 _Friend Finn?_ He warbles.

“No, buddy,” Poe whispers, heartsick and desolate. “He didn’t make it out.” 

The droid coos sadly. He tucks himself into his pilot’s side. 

Poe slips his head into his hands, tears streaming, whole body trembling. He stays like that for a long time. 

000

Snap comes looking for him, long after the shuttle bay has emptied. 

Poe hasn’t moved much, only canted his legs out in front of him and leaned his head back. His eyes are closed- almost as if he’s fallen asleep.

“Hey, man,” Snap says, his voice carefully measured.

No response from Poe, not even a twitch. 

Snap isn’t deterred in the slightest. “Come on, we need to get you up. It’s past midnight, Poe.” Again, he doesn’t respond, but Snap is far too smart to be tricked into believing that Dameron is sleeping. Poe’s posture is deceptively still, all his focus is on Snap. 

“Alright. Jess sent me out here to keep an eye on you, so if you won’t move then I guess I’m staying,” Snap decides. He drops onto the ground next to his friend with a groan.

Poe still doesn’t give any indication that he’s listening. 

Snap doesn’t know what he can do; there’s nothing that can make any of this better. No silver lining, no happy ending. 

Poe’s just lost part of himself and Snap is powerless to do anything but watch. 

“Finn was a good man,” he says after a moment. 

The pilot’s face twitches, crumples. A hand reaches up to run itself through his hair. Poe’s voice is unsteady when he says, “He didn’t deserve half of the shit that the galaxy put him through. He didn't deserve to go out like this.”

All Snap can do is agree. 

There’s a flurry of activity near the entrance to the shuttle bay. General Organa strides into the room flanked by a large group of personnel. They’re all armed. The General is conferring carefully with a couple of communications workers. 

Snap rises to his feet and walks closer. Whatever’s going on, the General looks like she could use the support.

“Open the bay doors,” she commands the techs managing the hangar. 

The three of them, women that Snap regularly sees working on x-wing repairs, look confused. 

“We have a transport incoming.”

The techs exchange shocked, hopeful glances. 

Behind Snap, Poe’s eyes flicker open. “Finn,” he whispers with utter conviction. Finn could be on that incoming transport; Finn has to be on that transport. 

Poe rises, buoyed by the fleeting hope that perhaps all is not lost. “A transport?” he asks, raising his voice so that he can be heard by the assembled group. 

They turn to him, taking in his red-rimmed eyes and sallow countenance. 

Leia’s eyes soften, she knows who he’s lost just by the expression on his face. “Yes. It sent us communications about a half an hour ago. I gave them clearance to land.”

“Are we sure that it’s an allied ship?” Snap asks. He hates to dampen Poe’s hopes, but the Resistance just lost a base and hundreds of fighters. They aren’t strong enough to suffer anymore today. “We left multiple transports intact on D’Qar. The First Order could be using this one as a means of infiltration.”

“The comm wasn’t from the transport’s communications system, apparently the on board one was compromised. It was from a device that Oddy Muva constructed himself- a primitive one, but it works nonetheless, “ one of the communications officers says. 

“You think Oddy’s on the transport then?” Poe asks.

The General’s voice is resolute. “We’re positive. Get the doors open please.”

A tech slams a button on a nearby control panel and the doors begin to ascend, exposing them to the cool Cholgana night. No sooner have they opened then a faint shape materializes on the horizon. It’s a transport, Poe can tell even from this distance.

The time it takes the ship to descend and roll into the hangar feels like the longest wait of Poe’s life. 

The ship has obviously seen battle, parts of it’s body have been scorched by blaster fire. It’s landing gear is in need of repair as well, Poe notices, the entire craft keeps listing slightly to the right as it’s steered into the hangar. 

As the ramp begins to descend, the officers around Poe draw their blasters. 

Poe can barely breathe around the anticipation that’s taken root in his chest. His hands are shaking where they lay at his sides. 

The first person they see as the ramp touches down is Oddy Muva. He has one mottled brown arm thrown over a woman’s shoulder as she helps him down the ramp. “General,” he says as he limps over to the assembled group. “Sorry for the late arrival- we needed to commandeer another vessel from repairs.”

Slowly, the blasters are put back into their holsters. 

A group of people follow Oddy and his companion down the ramp. Poe doesn’t see Finn among them.

The General is speaking again. Poe doesn’t hear a word. His world is crashing down around him once more. 

Another figure lumbers out of the transport, just a few steps behind everyone else. Someone with dark skin, a familiar leather jacket, and a bag slung over one shoulder. “Poe,” the figure calls.

Poe goes utterly still. “Finn,” he breathes. Suddenly, he’s in motion, running towards his boyfriend. 

Finn catches him around the waist, holding Poe so tightly that it’s almost painful. “I was so worried,” he says quietly. “I went back to our room after they attacked but you weren’t there.”

Poe doesn’t respond, just winds an arm around Finn’s neck and pulls him down for a kiss. It’s inelegant, too much pain and desperation put into it. He’s crying, Poe realizes distantly, his tears springing up unbidden. “They told us that there weren’t any more transports. I thought you weren’t coming back,” he chokes out. 

Finn draws back, just far enough to see him. He wipes tears from Poe’s cheeks with the back of his hand. Finn holds Poe like he’s found something precious, it’s tenderness that will Poe never tire of.

He won’t promise to always come back; he can’t make some quip about being impossible to get rid of. Finn doesn’t want to be proven a liar someday. 

“I’m here,” Finn murmurs instead, carding his fingers through Poe’s hair. “And so are you.”

And Poe realizes, standing among survivors facing impossible odds, that’s all they can hope for.

**Author's Note:**

> I think it's safe to say that I pretty much went from 0 to 100 in terms of angst w my writing this week. It's my first time really writing about a topic that's as heavy as grief so please feel free to leave me a comment about what I can do to characterize characters in really emotional situations such as this. Title inspiration comes from the song 'I Still Believe' from Miss Saigon. 
> 
> My laptop's been in for repairs for the last week so I haven't really been doing very much writing. Most of this story was actually written on my family's desktop computer and right now I'm on my sister's laptop. Taking a break from my longer fic- it's at like 17 pages right now :)
> 
> As always, much thanks to Wookiepedia for having all the info I need about Oddy Muva
> 
>  
> 
> [Come visit me on tumblr!](http://memesichetta.tumblr.com/)


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